why is my life controlled by the "most-emailed pictures" section on the my.yahoo page??

i don't know why, but it gives me joy (and sometimes brings tears to my eyes) to see what the american (and whoever else who uses yahoo) people spend their day emailing.


today is no exception, as sam, the ugliest dog ever, makes it to the top spot. again. for like the bazillionth time. i mean, really, aren't we tired of this picture? i've been to the website. there are way more, and uglier, pictures than this. but this is what we get, every time. come on, people, let's get on the ball with this.

****ok, i just went to the website to get more interesting pictures and saw something sad... sam died. on november 18th. i guess that's why he's back in the most emailed pictures. and i'm an asshole. obviously. sorry sam. may you rest in peace. below you will find a photo-memorial to sam. i just couldn't resist. i know what my nightmare will be tonight...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

this reminds me of my 12th grade health class...

No, really. When Miss Leet wanted to teach us about how to use a condom, she pulled out a giant black dildo and showed us how to put on a condom. That's the first thing that came to my mind when I saw this picture.
(The Obelisk of Buenos Aires is covered with a giant condom to commemorate World AIDS Day December 1, 2005. According to a report issued by ONUSIDA (UN AIDS), the number of people infected with the HIV virus in Latin America had risen over the last year from 1.6 to 1.8 million. REUTERS/Enrique Marcarian)

The second thing that came to my mind was when, in my 12th grade health class (for ESL students), the principle was announcing the various club meetings that were happening that day, and she said that the Thespians were meeting at lunch, and one of the Jose's (I don't think it was Jose Apollo, but maybe it was) said, "oh man, they're having meetings now? that's disgusting!" and then i had to teach the many Jose's the difference between Thespians and Lesbians.

Definitely a high point in my time at a Los Angeles Unified School District high school.

the last time i held a bb gun i shot a hole in my friend's window...

true story! i was pumping the gun (the better to shoot the coke can in the back yard through his bedroom window) and the safety was off and i shot the window instead.

but now my 9 month old cousin can take up the mantle of bb guns.

his grandma (not mine) gave him a bbgun. i can only assume it was an early christmas present. either that, or a happy 8-months present, because it happened last month.

but look how happy he is!!

thanks cupcake!!

thanks to the lovely ms. cupcake i just spent a half hour of my work time creating an "avatar". i don't really know what the shit is going on, but there's a cow involved, so it can't be all that bad, right?

here she is, my virtual alter-ego. this is like what i thought the internet would be when i was 8. i'd have this cyber claire, galavanting around, making out with slutty internet boys. ok maybe that was later. but still. this is a throwback, dude.

Come on get culture.

Ok. i have two dorchestra concerts coming up. if anyone is interested.

the first is this saturday, december 3rd at 8pm.
it's with the, wait for it, Chamber Orchestra of Science and Mathematics. yup. they put the dorch back in dorchestra. for reals.
8pm at the Church at Lincoln Center (i have no idea where that is, but i'll find out tonight and you can ask me later). we're playing Mozart's violin concerto in a minor, a schubert piece, and beethoven's eroica symphony. it'll probably be pretty ok. fairly mediocre. nothing to write home about.
**Revision -- so i went to rehearsal last night, and this concert will actually be very good, musically. not the most interesting to watch, but very nice musically. and when i say we're playing a mozart violin concerto, i mean, obviously, a bach violin concerto.**

the REAL GOOD ONE is next friday, December 9th.
Riverside Orchestra (where the crazies go to die)
west 91st and Columbus, Trinity School
8pm children's concert (this is the one where they let the kids on stage to sit next to their favorite instruments and there's always the obnoxious redhead Hunter or something who hams it up for his parents and sits there, cross-legged, with his chin cupped in his palms, smiling. and he's like 16).
We're playing : Copeland's fanfare for the common man (which is awesome)
Weber's bassoon concerto (the soloist is the principle bassoon player for the ny philharmonic, and this is her dress rehearsal because she's playing this piece with the philharmonic this season - cool, huh?)
Sarasate's Gypsy Airs (a 14 year old boy is going to make me feel real bad about myself)
and Brahm's Academic Festival Overture (you can hear sheena singing gaudiamus igatur along with the piece, if you're lucky)

that's it. no more selling myself. i just thought someone would be interested.

it's culture, people.

plus i bought a new fancy dress.

i am also becoming my dad, but that's not important...

because this is so way better.



If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
"Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby
Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to
his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gif t favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever
that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is
working on a way to make it show clips of Norris
having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as
hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself,
"That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.",
then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded
to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then
drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because
he's Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris
said, "say please."

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she
didn't give him exact chang e.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate
classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit
out of little kids.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they
refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,
insisting that that actually is "his" way.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people
dead.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

back from the brink

sorry for that last post. bad day yesterday.

everything's fine. you're not going to find me dead with my head in the oven with a note taped to my back that says "no funeral".

at least, that's what i'm saying now. when i get back from the vet after paying who knows how much to find out what's wrong with the gutter snipe it might be a different story.

have a great thanksgiving. don't od on tryptophan. you can od on other things, of course.

the end of my rope

i've reached it, folks.

yup. don't know why. but here i am.

i mean, here i would be if i were an older, balder, male-er version of myself.

please. help me.

The Joys of Motherhood.

I've gotten some complaints. I know I've been remiss in my posting, and I apologize. I do hope I've not lost the two (maybe three) readers I had when this whole thing began.

That being said, I would like to discuss the joys of motherhood as experienced by me, a mother of three cats.

these are our three cats:

Gus is the ginormous one, Obediah is the orange one, and Appomattox is the one you can't really see because she's a gutter snipe.

Here are some more pictures of my cats.

Gus likes the booze.









Appomatox is sometimes scary.









and Obediah is not smart.

In their natural habitat our cats are hunters. they stalk their prey, kill to eat, bathe in the blood of their victims, yeowl at the moon every quarter or so, scare small children, possess those with weaker minds and force them to do their bidding, you know, the usual stuff.
sometimes they work alone, like ninjas.
sometimes they work together to take down the bigger game - and then they feast and laugh and laugh.

See how they took him down? they ran in circles and circles, threading their way through his legs, working in unison, never tiring, until at last, tired and confused, he fell. and he didn't get up. the cats, oh how they celebrated. oh the ululations. oh the tumultuous purr, err roar. and then they waited, just out of reach, until he finally gave up. then they put him on a spit and roasted him for a few hours. and then the feasting. and the drinking of blood (and beer). oh the good times.

i love our cats. they are awesome (and they can use the computer, so don't say anything bad about them because they'll read it and find out and come and get you while you sleep. and suck your soul out through your mouth. like a succubus. it's true. i've seen it happen. it's not pretty).

well kiss me in the morning and then just walk away.

yes, kids. i'm happy too.

Go You WhiteSox!

this is for josh.

hello josh. i know we said we'd carve pumpkins. and i know we've failed. but i think this might make up for it. just a little bit. i'm sorry.

just another morning in the rotten apple.

I got on the F train today, which went about three stops before it got stuck just before Bergen for about a half hour. Then it had an identity crisis and became a G train.

Fine.

So I got off the newly christened G train at Hoyt and got on the A. (already about forty minutes late, mind you) So the A starts going, gets past high street and through about three quarters of the tunnel to manhattan, and stops. for an hour and a half. AN HOUR AND A HALF PEOPLE. i was standing the whole time. in the last car. finally, they came on the intercom and told us that they'd been able to get one car onto the platform. so we all had to make our way to the first car of the train. which took another half hour.

now, i'm very glad this was all caused by a fire, and not a bomb, or even a fire set on purpose, but can we keep the disruptions for days when i don't have to get to work to pick up blood?

thanks.

i'm not picky but...

now, i don't have anything against prostitutes. not that i frequent them, or have ever felt the yen, but still, i'm all for the legalization, unionization, whatever, of sex workers in the eu, even in america.

but please. this is the scariest looking woman i've ever seen.

shouldn't they be represented by someone who's not, oh i don't know, terrifying?

yom kippur just isn't yom kippur without a little...

Johnny Mathis!!

yes, yes folks. Johnny Mathis (whose hits include Wonderful, Wonderful and Misty and who, according to his webiste, created the 'best-of' genre of albums) recorded a version of Kol Nidre.

For our non-jewy friends, Kol Nidre is the prayer that is sung on the night before Yom Kippur. It's sad. It's long. Did I mention that it's sad? Yom Kippur is also not complete without it. It's like a passover dinner without the gefilte fish. it's just not done.

So when Josh and I were planning our trip back to his house for Yom Kippur and I realized we'd be missing Kol Nidre I knew something had to be done.

That something was to purchase Johnny Mathis' version of Kol Nidre on iTunes.

I was also tempted to buy one of his many christmas and jewish-holiday-themed albums... but restrained myself. somehow.

it will be a wonderful, wonderful train ride.

now THIS is what i call avoidant behavior...

As I was scrolling through my.yahoo this morning, trying to find some info on the earthquake in Pakistan or, you know, NEWS, i came across this pictures of piggies.

pigs swimming.

now there's a news story i can really sink my teeth into. also, the reuters caption actually calls them "piggies". and, apparently, they have piggie sport competitions in China. wow.

Intelligent Design: part 3

Day 4:
"One word," said the Lord God, "Landscaping. But I want it to look natural, as if it all somehow just happened."
"Do rain forests," suggested a primitive tribal god, who was known only as a clicking noise.
"Rain forests here," decreed the Lord God. "And deserts there. For a spa feeling."
"Which is fresh, but let's give it glow," said Buddha. "Polished stones and bamboo, with a soothing trickle of something."
"I know where you're going," said the Lord God. "But why am I seeing scented candles and a signature body wash?"
"Shut up," said Buddha.
"You shut up," said the Lord God.
"It's all about the mix," Allah declared in a calming voice. "Now let's look at some swatches."

this is the part of the show where my mom calls...

and tells me she just met cindy sheehan.

apparently she's left her vigil at the ranch (which is understandable as bush is pretending to be president and is not on vacation anymore) and is now getting her hair done in an LA salon. good for her.

i'm sure she deserves a haircut.

and man oh man was my mom excited.

happy rosh hashanah, cindy sheehan. happy rosh hashanah. welcome to 5766. i hope this year is better than the last one.

well that makes me feel better. seriously.

in the spirit of new beginnings and rosh hashana, the new york times has published an article about abortions and roe v wade.
Don't worry, says the nytimes, even if the supreme court (with new party girl, Miers) overturns Roe v Wade, we've got mifepristone (misoprostol, Cytotec) now. So, instead of safe, legal abortions for women who want them, we'll have black market mifepristone.
Not that i'm not happy that there's a pill alternative to surgical abortion, because that's just awesome. but it doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy that, even if the right succeeds in overturning roe, we'll still have black market pills and we won't have to go back to knitting needles and clothes hangers.

so there, sheena

apparently, and i am a little surprised, joss whedon's new sci fi epic, Serenity, is actually reall good!
i mean, it might be hyperbole, but the yahoo movie review said it was better than star wars. now, i think they were talking about the new star wars and, let's be honest, pretty much anything is better than the new star wars.

watching my cat crap over the edge of the litter box was better than star wars.

for serious.

Intelligent Design, part 2

Day 3:
"Just to make everyone happy," said the Lord God, "today I'm thinking oceans, for contrast."
"It's wet, it's deep, yet it's frothy; it's design without dogma," said Buddha, approvingly.
"Now, there's movement," agreed Allah. "It's not just 'Hi, I'm a planet - no splashing.'"
"But are those ice caps?" inquired Thor. "Is this a coherent vision, or a highball?"
"I can do ice caps if I want to," sniffed the Lord God.
"It's about a mood," said the Angel Moroni, supportively.
"Thank you," said the Lord God.

Intelligent design by Paul Rudnick

This is from The New Yorker, and i thought i'd post it in installments because it's long, but it's hilarious...

Day 1:
And the Lord God said, "Let there be light," and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, "Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?"
"I'm loving that," said Buddha. "It's new."
"You should design a restaurant," added Allah.

Day 2:
"Today," the Lord God said, "let's do land." And lo, there was land.
"Well, it's really not just land," noted Vishnu. "You've got mountains and valleys and - is that lava?"
"it's not a single statement," said the Lord God. "I want it to say, 'Yes, this is land, but it's not afraid to ooze.'"
"It's really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas," put in Apollo. "It's, like, minimalism, only with scale."
"But -- brown?" Buddha asked.
"Brown with infinite variations," said the Lord God. "Taupe, ochre, burnt umber - they're called earth tones."
"I wasn't criticizing," said Buddha. "I was just noticing."

and the third horseman is.....

Well HideeHo.

congrats, john bob. you got confirmed without answering one measly question about your views on things. you said you wouldn't rock the boat so many times people bought it.

i can't wait to see what happens next! will you rule in favor of anna nicole smith? will you crush all of our souls beneath the heel of your up-till-now hidden crazy conservative agenda? will you mandate teaching intelligent design in biology classes? will you torture and kill small cuddly animals? because, i'll be honest, you're a scary looking man. for serious. scary.

Things I learned in the Chemo Center

1) the receptionists at the chemo center don't like me.
2) if you wear a white coat in a chemo center, patients will flock like ... i don't know... flocking things.

3) Tom DeLay is in BIG trouble!

I'm not a Yankees fan, but...

This is where I work.

I was walking to the gym to pick up some paperwork for one of my studies, and I noticed a plaque on the ground. It was in the shape of home plate.

Apparently it marks the location of homeplate in Hilltop Park the home of the New York Highlanders (who became the Yankees in 1913).

That's pretty effing cool. Also, the Highlanders were originally from Baltimore.

8 meters of AWESOME!

This is a photo of a giant squid. YES! 8 meters long (that's 26 feet. 26 feet!!!!) that's bigger than my apartment! it's a squid!!

oh man, it's so good.

now why would this be worrisome??

Apparently there's a new kid's drink on the market. I would include a picture, but blogger is not cooperating this morning. anyway, it's called Spark, and is being pushed as a great way for kids as young as four to "jumpstart" their day. It comes in two formulas - one for ages 4 - 11 and one for teenagers. The younger formula contains as much caffeine as a CUP AND A HALF OF COFFEE! now, i can't even handle more than a cup of coffee (as Sheena can attest) because my hands start shaking and I go all twitchy.

how can it be ok to give a kid who is 4 years old that much caffeine?? doesn't caffeine stunt growth? won't it make them grow gills and webbed feet and turn into crazy hulk-like creatures??

i mean, i know we all want our kids to be super athletes and students and accomplish good things. but can't we do that after a bowl of cheerios? or wheaties? or even cocoa puffs? do we need to get kids addicted to caffeine at age 4? i don't think so. i think they'll get to it when they get to college and there's no need to start any earlier.

my mom got me hooked on the sweet stuff when i was in middleschool because she wanted a coffeshop buddy, (i don't blame you, mom, i revel in my addiction) but that was a nice, friendly, social reason to become addicted to caffeine. it wasn't a 7 year old gymnast who is chugging spark so that she can get through practice.

oh well. world is going to hell in a hand basket.

at least when i was growing up i knew that jolt cola was bad for me and drank it in secret.

and also this.

so this is the flying spaghetti monster game. it's pretty awesome.

may you be forever touched by his noodly appendage.

ok. here's something i can really get behind.

finally, a creation myth i can really get behind.

the flying spaghetti monster. part spaghetti, part meatball, all awesome.

i also enjoy the connection between global warming, hurricanes, and the decline of pirates.

another gem from my awesome boss.

and a very happy birthday, josh!

america might not be as dumb as i thought...

W.'s approval rating is at an all time low.
but it still begs the question - why are the 41% still supporting him? what stupid pills have they taken? how can we cut them off so that the country can stop being crazy?

it has come to my attention

that the baby-jesus-loving, shrimp-hating people i stole those two pictures from don't like remote linking (and are blaming the baby jesus and saying i made him cry). i'm sorry baby jesus. i didn't mean to make you cry. i've reposted both pictures. here. so there.
the one on the left was the first picture, and the one on the right is just a treat.

i just couldn't resist.

Death By Shrimp

well, after last night's "endless shrimp" adventure at red lobster, i'm not sure i can blame god.

i can still hear the shrimp talking to me. i'm just glad that i, unlike poor seth, didn't have to sit opposite a fresh direct ad of a shrimp the whole subway ride home. that might have put me over the edge.

as of this morning i can still here them twirling to freedom.

this is the most exciting thing i've seen all day!

September 19, 2005 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day!!

Oh man is that exciting. i love pirates. i'm going to talk like a friggin pirate all friggin day.
Click here to learn how to speak pirate.

well, it would probably beat roberts...

oh onion. how do i love thee? let me count the ways.

This week's cover article is about Bush nominating a prenatal Supreme Court Justice.
there's also one about Haliburton getting the bid to pry the gold fillings out of the New Orleans victims.

oh. my. god

w. writing a note to condi asking if he can go to the bathroom.

i shit you not.

March of the Crazies

Apparently the Christian right has latched onto the movie March of the Penguins as a new Passion of the Christ, claiming it promotes Christian values such as monogamy and lends credence to the theory of intelligent design.

Now, I saw March of the Penguins. It was a laser of cute to my heart. Penguins are ridiculous looking animals but man are they adorable. and the babies? good god. don't get me started.

Let's get some things straight about penguins. First of all, they are monogamous EACH SEASON. This means that, while they only mate once a season and raise whatever chick might result from that mating, they don't go back to the same partner the next year. They find someone new each year. This ensures the propagation of the group because there is more genetic diversity. So, does this mean that the Christian right would be ok with yearly monogamous relationships? I mean, we'd obviously have to have kids out of wedlock (or marry and divorce once a year) in order to maintain the genetic diversity, right? And hope that seagulls didn't eat our babies?

I think we might be anthropomorphizing these birds, and I don't think they like it.

A film professor at Boston college goes a bit farther. "You get a sense of these animals - following their natural instincts - are really exercising virtue that for humans would be quite admirable," he said. "I could see it as a statement on monogamy or condemnation of gay marriage or whatever the current agenda is."

WHAT?? It's a movie about birds! They follow the same path every year because they're migratory. All birds are migratory. That's just the way they've EVOLVED.

I just feel like I'm taking crazy pills is all.

if only i could be traded for two giraffes

This red panda was bought by the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo for $11,000 AND 2 (two) Giraffes. That is awesome. I never imagined zoos trading animals as if they were magic cards. or pogs. or something equally trade-able. If I had 2 (two) giraffes, though, I'm pretty sure I'd keep them. I'd trade a hippo for a red panda. or a liger.

we need some perspective here, people

I know that, because of the destruction and feelings of helplessness brought on by Katrina, we need to feel better about ourselves and the relief effort. but come on, people. a kitten?

i'm not saying i don't love kittens. i do. and, obviously, not loving kittens is down right unamerican. but can we focus the relief and rescue efforts on humans? how about the parents who've been separated from their kids? can we find those kids before we save a kitten?

or figure out how to avoid the environmental disaster that is to accompany the pumping of the floodwater into local lakes and the gulf?

i'm just sayin, is all.

if wishes and hopes were nuts and oats...

we'd all have a bowl of granola.

and this would be true. the forward in which i received this picture was titled "if you believe in the power of visualization..." and was sent to me by my boss. on whom i have a huge friend crush. huge.

also, i have a concussion.

and spent a good four hours in the ER here at new york presbyterian, where i saw nurses getting blood samples WITHOUT GLOVES ON!!! did NOT make me feel safe. not at all.

i have no response to this. apparently this woman is developing an anti-rape condom.

check it out

this is for you, sheena

ok. i know it's blurry. but oooooooohhhhhh kelly clarkson!

ah. that's better.

this picture makes me really happy. not that anchorman was a good movie. because it wasn't. i mean, it was like dumb and dumber in that it's funny in the retelling, but when you watch it you want to poke your own eyes out. except for the streetfight scene. and baxter.

anyway, i thought i would share the happiness with the nonexistent people who read this who aren't me. or sheena. and that's pretty much the same thing, let's be honest.