thanks cupcake!!

thanks to the lovely ms. cupcake i just spent a half hour of my work time creating an "avatar". i don't really know what the shit is going on, but there's a cow involved, so it can't be all that bad, right?

here she is, my virtual alter-ego. this is like what i thought the internet would be when i was 8. i'd have this cyber claire, galavanting around, making out with slutty internet boys. ok maybe that was later. but still. this is a throwback, dude.

Come on get culture.

Ok. i have two dorchestra concerts coming up. if anyone is interested.

the first is this saturday, december 3rd at 8pm.
it's with the, wait for it, Chamber Orchestra of Science and Mathematics. yup. they put the dorch back in dorchestra. for reals.
8pm at the Church at Lincoln Center (i have no idea where that is, but i'll find out tonight and you can ask me later). we're playing Mozart's violin concerto in a minor, a schubert piece, and beethoven's eroica symphony. it'll probably be pretty ok. fairly mediocre. nothing to write home about.
**Revision -- so i went to rehearsal last night, and this concert will actually be very good, musically. not the most interesting to watch, but very nice musically. and when i say we're playing a mozart violin concerto, i mean, obviously, a bach violin concerto.**

the REAL GOOD ONE is next friday, December 9th.
Riverside Orchestra (where the crazies go to die)
west 91st and Columbus, Trinity School
8pm children's concert (this is the one where they let the kids on stage to sit next to their favorite instruments and there's always the obnoxious redhead Hunter or something who hams it up for his parents and sits there, cross-legged, with his chin cupped in his palms, smiling. and he's like 16).
We're playing : Copeland's fanfare for the common man (which is awesome)
Weber's bassoon concerto (the soloist is the principle bassoon player for the ny philharmonic, and this is her dress rehearsal because she's playing this piece with the philharmonic this season - cool, huh?)
Sarasate's Gypsy Airs (a 14 year old boy is going to make me feel real bad about myself)
and Brahm's Academic Festival Overture (you can hear sheena singing gaudiamus igatur along with the piece, if you're lucky)

that's it. no more selling myself. i just thought someone would be interested.

it's culture, people.

plus i bought a new fancy dress.

i am also becoming my dad, but that's not important...

because this is so way better.



If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
"Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby
Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to
his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gif t favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever
that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is
working on a way to make it show clips of Norris
having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as
hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself,
"That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.",
then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded
to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then
drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because
he's Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris
said, "say please."

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she
didn't give him exact chang e.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate
classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit
out of little kids.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they
refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,
insisting that that actually is "his" way.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people
dead.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

back from the brink

sorry for that last post. bad day yesterday.

everything's fine. you're not going to find me dead with my head in the oven with a note taped to my back that says "no funeral".

at least, that's what i'm saying now. when i get back from the vet after paying who knows how much to find out what's wrong with the gutter snipe it might be a different story.

have a great thanksgiving. don't od on tryptophan. you can od on other things, of course.

the end of my rope

i've reached it, folks.

yup. don't know why. but here i am.

i mean, here i would be if i were an older, balder, male-er version of myself.

please. help me.

The Joys of Motherhood.

I've gotten some complaints. I know I've been remiss in my posting, and I apologize. I do hope I've not lost the two (maybe three) readers I had when this whole thing began.

That being said, I would like to discuss the joys of motherhood as experienced by me, a mother of three cats.

these are our three cats:

Gus is the ginormous one, Obediah is the orange one, and Appomattox is the one you can't really see because she's a gutter snipe.

Here are some more pictures of my cats.

Gus likes the booze.









Appomatox is sometimes scary.









and Obediah is not smart.

In their natural habitat our cats are hunters. they stalk their prey, kill to eat, bathe in the blood of their victims, yeowl at the moon every quarter or so, scare small children, possess those with weaker minds and force them to do their bidding, you know, the usual stuff.
sometimes they work alone, like ninjas.
sometimes they work together to take down the bigger game - and then they feast and laugh and laugh.

See how they took him down? they ran in circles and circles, threading their way through his legs, working in unison, never tiring, until at last, tired and confused, he fell. and he didn't get up. the cats, oh how they celebrated. oh the ululations. oh the tumultuous purr, err roar. and then they waited, just out of reach, until he finally gave up. then they put him on a spit and roasted him for a few hours. and then the feasting. and the drinking of blood (and beer). oh the good times.

i love our cats. they are awesome (and they can use the computer, so don't say anything bad about them because they'll read it and find out and come and get you while you sleep. and suck your soul out through your mouth. like a succubus. it's true. i've seen it happen. it's not pretty).