cupcake, this one's for you.

as requested,

i have tried to illustrate what i think i might find in the stall of the bathroom. i've taken some artistic liscence. our toilets don't look like that. they're more industrial. but then there'd be nothing for the little guy to stand on.

is there a leprochaun hiding in there?

So, the bathroom that we use at work is not actually located within our office suite. It is, in fact, located next to two classrooms and, as a result, is constantly filled with Barnard girls and is really gross.

In an effort to fight the gross, the janitor (a very nice man named Jose) uses copious amounts of airfreshener. This, in theory, is ok. No one likes a bad smell in the bathroom. I mean, it's usualy unavoidable, but you know, you can try. Unfortunately, Jose (or his supervisor probably) has consistently chosen "Bubble Gum" as the airfreshener flavor.

There is nothing worse than a bad bathroom smell. Unless it's a bad bathroom smell mixed with Bubble Yum mixed with strawberry lip balm. It also has the added benefit of making me feel (every single time I enter the bathroom) like someone is hiding in one of the stalls, furiously chewing bubblegum and blowing silent bubbles.

It's just a funny mental image. I'm pretty sure it's one of the wee folk.

"there has been talk of you helping out with these studies. you will NOT have to. I PROMISE"

That is what one of my bosses said to me about a month ago regarding our two Hepatitis-C studies, one involving an antidepressant double blind placebo study (i just turned you on hardcore, huh?) and one involving two MRIs, two PET scans, and about a million man hours per subject.

so guess what today's meeting was about? ME TAKING OVER THE FUCKING STUDIES.

I mean, I know that one of my other studies is ending Friday, but I still have three-four other studies to do, I'm still pretty damned busy every day. Sheena will vouch for that, as I never have enough time to chat with her on the g-chat.

Oh, Hepatitis-C you have ruined me. RUINED ME!

Ok, that's it. I just needed to vent a little. Also to let you know, oh loyal five readers, that my posting might fall along the wayside. stick with me. dealing with hep-c subjects is sure to yield many many hilarious stories of disease and hijinks.

some gems from my C train conductor this morning...

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. We promise. It will never. happen. again."

"For those of you running a few minutes late, let me give you some information in case your supervisors demand it. There was a delayed C train at Utica. You can tell your supervisors that it was the 8:04 C Utica train."

"Attention Ladies and Gentlemen, this is no longer the K train. This is the C train. This train no longer goes to the Bronx. To get to the Bronx, you have to take the D train."

"Make no mistake. No buts. This. Is. Your. D Train."

"Some of you might not know what I was talking about earlier. They used to have double letter trains, the AA and the CC. Then they got rid of the AA and called it the K. It used to go from 168th to the Bronx. That's what I was talking about."

"And, as always, when you smile, the whole world smiles with you"

"I have one of them who cleans my house, a Polish lady."

The above wasn't overheard so much as one of my volunteers said it to me. We were discussing the transformation of our country into a bunch of crazy xenophobes (of which this volunteer obviously is because she said she thought we had "to do something to stop them from swarming over the border"). She (an upper-middle class Long Island middle-aged lady) said that she had a Polish lady who cleaned her house, and who was having trouble getting citizenship "because of those people". So..... the Polish cleaning lady has more of a right to citizenship than "them" because she's white? Oh man, I have to work with this woman.

Anyway, I was reading the NYTimes today and I saw that the Senate has voted to make English the national language. I feel like America is turning into volkisch Germany. We've got fences, an "assimilation statement". come on.

"Under the Inhofe proposal, the federal government is directed to "preserve and enhance the role of English as the national language of the United States of America." It does not go as far as proposals to designate English the nation's official language, which would require all government publications and business to be in English.

Instead, it says government services and publications now offered in other languages would be unaffected. But the proposal declares that no one has "a right, entitlement or claim to have the government of the United States or any of its officials or representatives act, communicate, perform or provide services or provide materials in any language other than English."

Isn't the joy of America it's diversity? what about the melting pot? what about "bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses?" Let us remember that the vast majority of Americans are descended from people who came here looking for new opportunities, probably not legally. I'm pretty sure that people who don't speak English understand that most of the country does. And I do not think that offering signs, governmental forms, etc. in languages other than English in any way diminishes the fact that English is the most commonly spoken language.

I think it helps people. Isn't that what the governemnt is supposed to do? help people? I don't think you can force people to learn English. Those who can probably will, those who can't are not going to be allowed to be citizens? That hurts me.

I know this is a hot topic, and that many people disagree with me, but it makes me a little sick to my stomach. I'm in the middle of a book about the revolutions in Germany that led to the Nazi era, and I'm feeling a sense of deja vu reading today's paper.

"douchebags usually travel in packs"

ok. so i didn't overhear this blog title. or, rather, i overheard myself thinking it. today, during my commute home.

for those of you who are not familiar with my life, i have a pretty long commute. i live in park slope and work at columbia presbyterian hospital, which is up at 168th street. so, i spend a good two and a half hours on the train every day. sometimes i read. sometimes i sleep. usually, on my way home, i knit. because after eight hours of staring at a computer and dealing with idiots, i can't really focus my eyes.

TODAY, i left work on time (which is pretty rare) and got on my beloved A train up at 168th and broadway. usually i can find a seat right away, but today the platform was pretty crowded so i ended up standing with my back to the doors. this was fine by me because i could start knitting and scope out a seat. so we get to 145, people get off the train, and the seats are immediately taken. fine. 125. same story. getting a little annoyed (and footsore). 59th, finally a seat opens up. i see it, make a beeline and, what's this? an overweight lady waltzes onto the train and swoops in. (much like the time in seinfeld when george's parking spot is stolen).

so, of course, i stand there with my mouth hanging open, knitting in hand, and douchebag-ess pulls out her friggin nymetro and starts reading. ok. here's the thing. i am a good person. i appreciate that i am an able-bodied twenty-something (sorry about the hyphens, sheena). seriously, i probably would have given you the seat if you asked, overweight lady. you're carrying around a lot of baggage and your heart is probably tired. i would have stood up for you. BUT YOU STOLE MY SEAT. so now i hate you with all of my soul.

i ended up not getting a seat for the entire commute. even the F train bit.

while i was fuming (and knitting), some douchey lady came onto the train wearing a total douchebag baseball cap so jauntily that it actually covered part of her right eye. i mean, come on. you look in the mirror and think, "sweet! the hat covers my eye! that looks ace! now let me carry my stack of cardboard boxes around the subway, pushing people out of the way and making an ass of myself!"

i drew a picture of that lady. here it is.

lady, you are a tool. not as much of a tool as the lady who stole my seat, but still. there's a continuum and you're pretty far to the tool side.

UPDATE: this morning, after having two (2) seats stolen literally out from under my ass, a very nice man in a pink shirt and blue tie gave me his seat. thank you, nice man. you saved my morning. you're my favorite.

"I would pay a hooker money just to scratch my back"

I've decided that, as much as possible, my blog titles will be things I overhear. The above title was overheard whilst in line for the loo at Vol de Nuit (beer garden in the village). There was a couple sitting to the side of the line; the guy said that his back was itchy, then said he'd hire a hooker to scratch it for him. to which the girlfriend replied, "what does that say about me?" Good question, lame girl. Good question.

Saturday I spent the day perusing Just Kids Nostalgia (a collectables shop that also has records and cds), which was pretty awesome. I found the soundtrack to the Battlefield Earth BOOK. COMPOSED BY L.RON.HUBBARD.

I want to be clear about this. It is the soundtrack to the BOOK. not the movie. and inside there are descriptions of all of the "songs" and the "religion". pretty awesome. If I had a record player I would have bought it.

All in all it was a nice day in Huntington with the Farrells. I helped with the table of complimentary snacks. and ate too much costco brand guacamole. it was tasty.

Sunday, not to rock the boat, Castle Greyskull FC (after an early lead that really pissed the other team off) lost again to FC Hammer. Drew got into a row with one of the girls who took offense to the fact that he was playing soccer like he meant it. Apparently, guys on other teams can beat the Greyskull girls up (like the soccer ball that Insha took to the nose yesterday) but the minute we're in the lead, our guys are bullies. go figure.

Don't worry, Drew didn't beat anyone up, and we lost the lead after the first half and ended the game down 3-1. Par for the course, really. I think we played pretty well. Will scored in the first half, and we had some seriously solid defense. Our downfall, you see, was this kid, Jamie, who is not in the league and doesn't know anyone on any of the teams. He was hanging out at the field asking if he could join a game. When Marty confronted the other team about their obvious ringer (he had also asked us if he could play and we told him no because we're good people and don't hate freedom), they said, "no, he's on the team." liars. lying liars of lies. We could have beat them if not for that kid. he had happy feet. Oh well. As I told Seth, we wouldn't want to ruin our streak anyway.

"sorry, i was barfing; i didn't hear you."

Last night was baseball night, as sheena has described in far better detail than i have the patience for.

the quote in this post's title was overheard, by me, in the ladies room at yankee stadium some time in the bottom of the sixth. i thought it was pretty awesome. mostly because the girl was so matter of fact about it. no embarrassment, no fishing for empathy. nope. she was barfing. she didn't hear the other girl. no big deal. these yankee fans are insane.

as sheena has said, it was the best baseball game i've ever attended, and one of the most exciting games i've seen. very close, low scoring, the win up in the air pretty much the whole game. Hideki's horrific injury was very sad. mostly because it means that his streak of consecutive games is over. he has played in 518 consecutive MLB games (1,720 if you include his Japanese League games). Can you imagine? i can't go three weeks at work without taking at least a few hours off work. jeez. this guy is a manimal.

sorry, hideki. i hope the wrist heals quickly. Columbia-Pres is a good hospital. and i used to work next to the orthopaedic surgery wing - they're nice guys over there. always helped me when i was carrying boxes. good kids. if you want to grab lunch or something, i could show you around the neighborhood. there's a really good chinese place down the block. for serious.

anyway, a happy early birthday to sheena and Go You Redsox.

bottle openers generally take the cork out of the bottle

Last night we had a lovely dinner with Josh, Seth, and Andy. Sheena made an awesome Burmudian Rum Cake - seriously the best rum cake I've had since I was in the Cayman Islands, and I made a nice stir fry. Since I got the recipe from Cook's Illustrated, it was also the most labor-intensive stir fry I've ever made. Seriously. And it tasted pretty damned good, if I do say so myself.

Oh, and when I was opening the bottle of wine that Josh brought (which was a delightful Burgundy from 2003) with my newly (garage sale) acquired awesome wine opener, it pushed the cork INTO the bottle and splurted wine all over the place. It was awesome. Andy, with the agility of a cat, avoided getting covered. I, on the other hand, got a wine facial. I think it's an exfoliant. The wine was salvaged, never fear. I'm giving the bottle opener another chance.

TONIGHT we venture into the heart of darkness to see wakefield pitch against chacon. This game is my birthday present for sheena. when i thought of it, about a month ago, i was determined to keep it a secret. so i emailed sheena to tell her to save the date. that there was a surprise. and then i just couldn't keep it in any more. here's an example of how i can't keep a secret:

me: ok
are you there?
12:45 PM ARE YOU THERE????
---------------------------------------5 minutes
12:50 PM
Sheena: yes I am there
um, here
me: ok.
ok.
you have to save a date.
i am very excited.
Sheena: what?
me: it is a surprise.
you cannot make any plans for Thursday, May 11.
from 7:05 on.
because........
Sheena: hmmm
me: we will be celebrating your birthday
AT YANKEE STADIUM WITH THE REDSOX!!!!!!
Sheena: oh my god!

I mean, I HAVE kept secrets in the past. But it's way hard.

yes. yes.

this is entitled "meet you at the intersection". it has made my effing day.

comic borrowed from none other than toothpastefordinner.com

well, it's obvious that skeletor is out to get us.

Castle Greyskull FC had another rousing game yesterday. Marty recruited Bill, a keeper for the red team, and his girlfriend Leah to play with us, which was nice. because new blood is always nice, and they are very good players. But we didn't warn Bill the Keeper and Leah about the Greyskull curse.

(So, I don't know if you know the curse that greyskull has been carrying lo these many months. We've lost two of our rostered players to pretty serious injuries. Nora took a kick to the leg that twisted her knee something aweful, and Owen went down with something like three torn ligaments in his ankle. none of the other teams we've ever played have had injuries during the game.)

Anyway, the game began normally enough, we had some good almost goals and were pretty awesome on the defense, with the amazing help of Bill the Keeper. he's a pretty intense player, but very nice. Last week he was the keeper who hugged my leg and took me down because he was afraid that he'd destroy my knee if he didn't. thanks, Bill. This week, during one of the corner kicks, he actually yelled "I GO" and then shoved me out of the way so that he could defend his goal. I didn't really mind, i was more surprised than hurt, but Vlad (our ukranian ref) gave him a talking to and told him he'd card him if he didn't stop "pushing girls". oh, vlad, i love you in shorts.

Anyway, here we were, at the end of the first half (i think we were already down by 2), and the blue team came up to our goal, there was a flury of defending, Bill the Keeper leapt into the air, and immediately started screaming. like before he landed he was screaming. at first (and this is embarrassing to say), i thought he was just hamming it up to get some sort of direct kick for us. and i thought, "way to ham it up, Bill the Keeper! this is just what we need! a little dramatics!" but then, a split second later, when he was rolling on the ground screaming, "oh god, oh god no, oh god no" i decided that he probably wasn't hamming it up.

Apparently Bill the Keeper heard popping in his knee, and couldn't move the bottom half of his leg. not a good sign. Will called the ambulance and we started playing the second half, but it was hard to keep the focus up, what with Bill the Keeper sitting on the steps. Seth stepped into the net and did a fabulous job of defending. We ended the game at, i think, 5-0. not the majestic comeback we had been hoping for after last week, but i think we all played pretty well.

I wish there was some way for us to be rid of the curse of skeletor! can we burn something? do a dance around the teamgeist? anything? I just feel bad, because Bill the Keeper was doing us a favor. He's not even on the team. and now his knee's all disconnected and shit.

Now we only have two more games, so if you want to come and cheer greyskull on, you're running out of time. It's way fun. you can bring us more orange slices!! also, you can be there to ride in the ambulance with whomever falls subject to the curse next. i hope it's not vlad.

i hate you, lost. look what you've turned me into.

this morning. i walked into the office and said, "did anyone see lost last night?" and then i tried to kill myself because i turned into that girl who talks about tv at work. i hate that girl.

god. at least i wasn't asking if anyone had seen american idol. or grey's anatomy. because that kind of talk at work makes me want to lift up my monitor and place it squarely on my head. hard-like.

so, to my co-workers, i'm sorry that i asked if anyone watched lost (they do not. they watch american idol and grey's anatomy and reality tv).

to lost - i'm sorry baby. i didn't mean it. i was angry. please take me back.

i KNEW it!!

ok. so yesterday the sky looked menacing. it was cloudy, and there were dark rain clouds that seemed to follow a line through the sky. i got on the F train and, as is my wont, was watching the neighborhood fly past the window when i noticed that the line of grey cloud might actually be a tower of smoke coming from some distant point. it was really awesome looking.

so when i got to work i asked, "does anyone know if anything is burning in brooklyn?" of course, there was no reply. because my coworkers tend to ignore things i say. they are awesome. obviously.

anyway, i searched on the internet machine and nothing popped up. nothing on nytimes, nothing on cnn. i thought that it was just a normal industrial smoke thing going on.

THEN, this morning i spotted an article in someone else's New York AM about some fire in Brooklyn. YES! not that i'm happy there was a fire, mind you. it seems that an area of warehouse buildings (suspiciously owned by one guy who's slowly turning the empty warehouses into condos on the waterfront) totally burst into flames yesterday morning. like for serious flames. it was a 10 alarm fire. the worst since 9/11. (full nytimes story here) it seems pretty sketchy. especially because there's been a bit of a kerfuffle about yuppifying the area. the older residents are none too happy.

i would just like to say i knew it. and i told them so. and they don't care, so i'm telling you.

vigilante grammarians unite!!

The Vigilante Grammarians have begun our campaign. Last night Sheena and I were wandering around on 2nd ave, heading to closing night of Lynne's awesome show (What Women Talk About), and we passed by one of the many bars that line the street.

There was a chalkboard sign out front advertising the upcoming Yankees v. Redsox game (which was, incidently, rained out). Now, here's what the sign actually said: "Yankee's v Redsox tonite"

Completely ignoring the obnoxious spelling of "tonite", do we see the problem here, people? so Sheena and I did what any red blooded American grammar snob would do; we erased the apostrophe. (should have documented said erasing, i know). Immediately after the sign was fixed, a drunk man behind us shouted, "what are you, redsox fans?" to which I replied, "we're just not apostrophe fans" and sheena added, "but we ARE redsox fans".

Here's the thing. as evidenced by this post, i'm not up on all of my grammar rules. i don't know when to use a semi colon instead of a colon. i vacilate between the american and british rules regarding punctuation after quotation marks. but BUT i DO know when to use an apostrophe. and when to rub that apostrophe out. and, by god, that's what i'm going to do.

who's with me????

claire is rule the world

borrowing from toby's post, i know, but i was just invited a myspace group entitled "claire's rule the world".

here's the message i got: Hello claire, Claire has invited you to join Claire's rule the world! on MySpace.

OK. now. let us move past the fact that someone has created this club. because i just don't have the energy this morning for that. and can someone please explain to me why i would ever want to join any club on myspace, let alone a club of claires? are we all friends becasue we have the same name? and, i shit you not, one of the comment threads is all of the claires listing their middle names, and getting excited when they have the same middle name as another claire. oh. my. god. let us not get into that today.

let us focus on the apostrophe (because i'll have a brain embolism or something if i have to keep talking about the claire group).

come on, people!! get it together! i know they're fun looking and contractions are awesome. but let us use a little restraint, ok? see what i just did there? i did not use a contraction! i spelled out both of the words. because sometimes (most often when there are PLURAL FORMS BEING USED) the apostrophe is just not the answer.

end rant.